You probably haven’t watched baseball since the middle of August, and who can blame you? Deep down inside, I think we all knew that the torn Achilles in the 2011 NLCS was just the beginning of the end. The hometown heroes are gone now, and leaving room for the first overall draft pick and the heroes of tomorrow.  But just because the Phillies fought their way to 99 losses doesn’t mean you have to kill yourself this October (let’s just forget about the Eagles for a minute, too). Take this opportunity to find a new second-favorite team, with our MLB Playoff Rooting Guide!

So what are we working with? The Yankees and the Pirates got bounced in the one-and-done round. The real playoff teams remaining are matched up as follows:

ALDS: Rangers vs. Blue Jays, Astros vs. Royals

NLDS: Cubs vs. Cardinals, Mets vs. Dodgers

Let’s take it one at a time:

Texas Rangers

The new home of Cole Hamels, our former World Series MVP. The dude has the potential to be a playoff stud once again, and he’s 7-1 since the trade that brought us Jerad Eickhoff. So the Rangers could be a good team to root for if Hamels’ lights out WS performances were part of your formative years as a Phillies fan. Plus, the Rangers basically came out of nowhere since the trade, absolutely crushing the dreams of Angels fans in an all-too-admirable fashion. The Rangers are a nice dark horse candidate, but if there is anything to hold against the Rangers, it might be that they reside in Texas. And Dallas sucks. But that might not be as bad as the geographical issues that I have with their opponents, the:

Toronto Blue Jays

The sole remaining Canadian MLB team does not give me any warm or fuzzy feeling about our neighbors to the north. The fact that there is only one team in Canada somehow makes it worse that there are any teams in Canada. At least I used to be able to root for the Blue Jays as the Canadian team that wasn’t the Expos, but now all I have to fall back on is that they are a team in the AL East that isn’t the Yankees or Red Sox. But if the Rangers are a dark horse, then the Blue Jays are a darker one. They haven’t played in mid-October since 1993. But what was it that happened in 1993? Hmm… oh yeah. Game 6 happened in 1993. And today? They have former Met R.A. Dickey, and Phillie killer Troy Tulowitzki. If you like maple syrup or breaking streaks of mediocrity, then by all means, root for the Blue Jays. Or maybe you have a Ben Revere jersey that fit so well that you really want to get some more use out of it. Otherwise, keep reading.

Houston Astros

Again, Texas is awful, but you have to like something about the Astros. For one, they beat the Yankees in the Bronx to send those clowns and their obnoxious fan base packing. 28 will have to wait. Secondly, their new uniforms are sweet. And back in the glory days, Ed Wade send us Lidge, Pence, AND Oswalt (was he a Phillies spy all along?). But most importantly, the Astros offer a glimmer of hope to us Phillies fans. Losers of 111 (ONE HUNDRED ELEVEN) just two years ago, the Astros find themselves in position to make a playoff run with a 27 year old Cy Young candidate on their hands. These guys were so bad for so long, they actually got kicked out of the National League. Out of all the Cinderella stories in the American League, this might be the most surprising one. So as a Phillies fan, it’s tough to root against the Astros. The Cinderella theme continues, however, with the:

Kansas City Royals

The Royals were abysmal for about 2 decades before they made it game 7 of the World Series last year. In the past 2 seasons, they’ve turned it around enough to increase attendance by almost a million fans, and this year they ran away with the best record in the AL at 95-67. There isn’t much to dislike about the Royals, except for maybe their weak division. But they’re also not the most exciting team in the playoffs. If you were along for the Royal’s ride last year, then by all means, stick with them. Otherwise, you might be better off investing your secondary fandom elsewhere.

Chicago Cubs

This year’s Cubbies are last year’s Royals. The epic drought and one of the last remaining great curses in sports makes this team super likeable. Especially after the jealous Pirates drilled their ace in the 7th inning of the Wild Card game. It’s been 106 YEARS since they’ve won it all, and 12 since they’ve won a game in an NLDS. Behind 22-win Arrieta, Chicago is full of energy and has a legitimate shot at making a run this season. And why not root for the Cubs when they are about to face the Cardinals? The only reason to get down on this team is if you simply like a good curse. And I can’t lie – it’s nice to have one last curse lingering around the MLB – especially one that spans 5 generations.

St. Louis Cardinals

If you are rooting for the Cardinals this year, then you probably put money on them at the beginning of the season. St. Louis is becoming the NL version of the Yankees. They’ve been to the playoffs in 5 of the last 6 seasons, and this year they won 100 games in a division with a 98-win AND a 97-win team. How does that even happen?! These are the guys that let Albert Pujols walk, and still won the Pennant a season later. Consider all this, on top of the fact that they were the last team the Phillies saw in postseason baseball, and rooting for the Cardinals is basically sacrilege. Don’t do it.

New York Mets

The poor little Mets. I’ll be honest – when they played the Yankees in the Subway Series, I was pulling for the Queens of Queens to take down the Evil Empire. I would root for them in a series against any other non-Phillies division opponent too. They have a solid young core, and they put in the time and development to legitimately turn their team around from when they squandered a 7-game September lead to the Fightins’ (the comeback included the best regular-season game I ever attended). But despite these somewhat neutral comments, I’m sorry, if you are a Phillies fan, you are not permitted to root for the Mets, especially when they are playing Phillies West, a.k.a., the:

Los Angeles Dodgers

Chase Utley is still the man. And Jimmy is still OUR all-time hits leader. Jimmy and Chase had a combined tenure of almost 35 years(!) in the Phillies system. It is really hard to root against these guys, even if they are playing in a giant hot trashcan called LA. As Phillies fans, we are obliged to root for Chase to singlehandedly dismantle the Mets in at least one NLDS game. But it is true that both former hometown heroes are in the twilight of their careers, and the game must go on. So after Kershaw and Greinke dismantle the Mets in the NLDS, is it still wise to keep rooting for the Dodgers? No one will blame you if your loyalties lie with Jimmy and Chase. Really, it’s OK to root for the Dodgers this one time. It will give you an excuse to drop $4.97 on a leftover Utley tee shirt. But don’t feel obliged to pull for the Dodgers over ghosts of a past life.